Understanding Steps 8 & 9: Amends

Understanding Steps 8 & 9: Amends

“Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”

Step 8, Alcoholics Anonymous

“Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright.”

Proverbs 14:9, NIV

We have all been hurt. This is easy to acknowledge. We have all been offended. We have all been ‘the victim’.

What is not so easy to admit is that we have also done the hurting – we have all, at some point, been on the giving end. This is not just true of alcoholics and addicts – and therefore, even if you have stumbled upon this meditation by accident, please keep reading – you might be set free in the process.

Steps 8 and 9 are often the most intimidating part of the program. Many of us, when realising what it would take, were filled with fear – some of us even felt abject horror at the thought.

But these two steps are vitally important if you want to keep your new found freedom.

Proverbs 14:9 says: “Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright.”

And that is exactly what making amends is about – goodwill. 

In our past lives we had made many mistakes – and step 8 is all about taking concrete action towards making it right – taking a concrete step towards cleaning up the ‘wreckage’ of our past by taking accountability. 

All it takes is a little bit of pushing through the negative emotions of fear, doubt, bitterness and insecurity – picking up a pencil and making a list. 

If this is your first time doing this, just jot down the ones that come to mind – all the times you might have hurt someone – however this might look. 

In my active addiction I did a lot of damage. I lied, I stole, I cheated and manipulated – I fought with those closest to me, treated people badly… And it was a burden I had to carry. Many of my best friends and closest family members had lost their trust in me.

I wrote down a simple list – just 5 or 6 names to begin with. 

And what I saw on that page was the heaviness I had carried around with me for so long. The same heaviness, in times past, had caused me to relapse and had prevented me from getting clean the first time.

Wouldn’t you prefer to let go of those rocks that have been weighing you down? Those rocks called sin and shame?

And that’s all it takes – a short list and a simple yes.

If you have done this, you have now become willing to make amends – to clean up your side of the street.

We now get to step 9: “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

There are a lot of ideas around this – but I have found that the best way to do this is to do so in person. Saying this, It is important that you do not put yourself in triggering environments during this process, and that you avoid any danger or harm to yourself and others.

It is also important to remember that some of the people you need to make amends to might be hard or even impossible to reach (for example people who have immigrated, that you might have lost contact with, or who might even have passed away).

In a case like this we make what is known as a living amends – we allow the life we live to make the amends for us by sticking to this radically new, sober lifestyle – and being committed to that lifestyle for both yourself and those you might have harmed in the past.

This is probably the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had to go to certain people – the people on my list – and admit that I was wrong.

Some accepted the amends, some waited to see my changed behaviour going forward, and others did not accept it at all. We are not in control of what others do or think, but I found freedom in sweeping away the wreckage on MY side of the road.

And that is what it is all about. Sincerely and honestly apologising – not just in words, but also in how you conduct yourself up to that point and going forward – the proof is in the pudding. It must be added that not everyone will react kindly to your admission of guilt and request for forgiveness, they might be sceptical about the change that you claim to be going through – some people might need some time, and others might never come around – but that’s okay! 

It is worth doing our best to salvage what we can of our relationships. It starts with us taking accountability and making amends. In this way families, friendships, even marriages can be restored.

If you would like to attempt making amends and need some guidance I would recommend these resources:

NA Step Working Guide:
https://gssana.org/books/na-step-working-guide.pdf

AA Big Book:
https://aa-netherlands.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/en_step8.pdf
https://aa-netherlands.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/en_step9.pdf

If you have decided to push through and do step 8 and 9, please pray with me:

Lord, make me willing to make amends. Make me willing to start cleaning up the wreckage of my past – to let go of the heaviness that pulls me down into despair. AS I write my list, remind me of people I have hurt, the things that I have done – and show me, guide me, lead me to make up for them and rebuild relationships. Give me courage, Lord, to follow through. Give me the right heart and the right words – and let my actions be the proof in the pudding. Let my actions and behaviour speak louder than my words. In Jesus Name. Amen.

 

Understanding Steps 6 and 7: Drop The Rock

Understanding Steps 6 and 7: Drop The Rock

“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”

Step 6, Alcoholics Anonymous

“Praise the Lord, my soul,
  and forget not all his benefits—
 who forgives all your sins
    and heals all your diseases…”

Psalm 103:2-3, NIV

All the steps thus far have been leading up to this moment. 

We have, by now, explored the concept of a Power Greater than ourselves – both the group, and above all, God – and we have made an honest evaluation of ourselves. We come to realise that we are not just powerless over our drinking, drug-use or compulsive behaviour – but that we are powerless over all of our negative feelings, thoughts and behaviour.

Our drug use, compulsive behaviour and drinking are often just symptoms, rather than the problem itself.

Up until now we have been treating symptoms, but now it is time to start working on the root causes of our drinking and drugging.

This could include bitterness, rejection, fear, insecurity and unforgiveness – to name just a few.

We realize now, just as the insanity of addiction is starting to lift, that there are other areas, often larger areas in our lives that need some very real change.

And God is the only one who can help us do that.

Step 6 is about realizing that life change is necessary – and more importantly, that it is possible. In the sixth step we become willing to hand over our baggage to God, the only One strong enough to shoulder the burden for us.

This realization drives us towards step 7: “We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.”

Step 7 is about surrendering all of our hurt, all of our pain, wounds and scars to God – a cry for divine intervention.

Where step 6 is the motivation – the preparation of the heart – step 7 is the beginning of tangible action.

In surrendering our flaws, faults and failures to God, we also ask Him to give us the strength and wisdom to do better. 

In making a daily practice out of Step 6 and 7, in combination with step 10 (a daily inventory – which we will cover later), we see a recipe for permanent and lasting change.

In a lot of recovery groups this is called ‘drop the rock’ – because that’s what we are doing. Taking the heaviness of our fears, resentments, unforgiveness, etc – and dropping it at the feet of the Cross.

More often than not, however, we will find that we pick up new rocks, or sometimes even the old ones we dropped before – and this is why it is necessary for these steps to become a daily practice.

The hope is to get to a point where we ‘drop the rock’ almost as soon as we pick it up – and in time to leave it on the ground altogether.

These steps are about progress – not perfection. 

And God will help us. But only if we let Him.

Prayer: Lord, help me today to take a step of faith as I surrender all of my hurt, my pain, my torment to You! Have all of me, Lord, the good and the bad – as I surrender all I am to You. Start a work of restoration in me. Guide me Lord along new paths towards a brighter, better future – a future planned by You. Remove from me all my defects of character, my fear, resentment and tendency towards unforgiveness. Take my burdens. Replace it with strength and wisdom so I may grow in my relationship with You and those around me. In Jesus Name. Amen.

If you have chosen to take this leap of faith or have any questions regarding this post, please reach out to me: andre@adlabuschagne.co.za / 0653703806. We would love to journey with you!

 

Understanding Step 5: Confession

Understanding Step 5: Confession

“Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.’

Step 5, Alcoholics Anonymous

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”

James 5:16, NIV

For many of us, if step 4 was hard, this step seemed inconceivable – and although it was a painful process, there is power in confession.

In sharing and confessing what we have been through, and what we have done, we roll the burden we have been carrying off our shoulders. We were never meant to carry our burdens alone.

This step urges us to make this confession towards three distinct parties. The order is not set in stone, so I will share my experience.

First we confess to ourselves.

This is often the hardest part of this process – but it is made all the easier through completion of step 4: our moral inventory.

It is the opinion of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that the only people who do not recover are those who are constitutionally unable to be honest with themselves.

This program is a program of honesty – and in this step we are once more called to be honest with ourselves – confessing the exact nature of our wrongs. It is to admit that we were wrong, to acknowledge that there is, within us and in our past, things that we feel guilty, embarrassed or ashamed about.

The truth sets us free.

We have all heard of naming and shaming – I want to propose ‘naming the shame’ – because by bringing it into the light it can no longer pull you into the dark.

We further strip the shame of its power by finding a confidant in which to confide. A fellow worker of the program, perhaps a pastor or a member of the clergy – someone you trust. Traditionally you would share this with your sponsor – a person who has some clean time and who has worked all twelve steps, someone you have chosen to help you work through the process. I have found that I have been most comfortable sharing with a close friend or two that I have had in the program and in the church.

In sharing this admission – in confessing our guilt, in sharing the exact nature of our wrongs – with another we often find, especially in confiding with a fellow recovering addict, that they have lived through much of the same horrors we have, done many of the same wrongs, lived a similar life – and somehow they have found a way forward.

Sometimes the thing you judge yourself the most for is just the tip of the iceberg for someone else.

I want to stress how important it is that you find the right person to share it with. Many people in recovery wear their hearts on their sleeves and just share with anyone who will listen – but I would recommend finding a sponsor who has more than 2 years of clean time, used a similar substance or engaged in a similar behaviour and who has worked through the twelve steps and understands them well.

It helps if your sponsor is a Christian who can pray with you and help you grow spiritually as well. The program might get us clean – but God keeps us clean.

Finally, we confess to God – and this is where the burden really rolls off our shoulders. If we can muster up just a mustard seed of faith…

1 John 1:9-10 says: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.” (KJV)

We have all sinned – we have all missed the mark – and while it is true that some of us have missed it more than others, God is faithful. No matter how big your sin, no matter how vast your trespasses, the love of God is bigger, His mercy is wider, His grace runs deeper!

If we confess our sins God is faithful to forgive and cleanse us of our sin. He makes all things new.

If you need someone to talk to in this regard, or would like to discuss this step or anything around the twelve steps, finding Jesus, and moving forward in freedom – please reach out by sending me an email: andre@adlabuschagne.co.za

Prayer: Lord, give me the courage to complete this step. Show me the things I have done, let Your Spirit come and convict me, not towards condemnation, but towards righteousness so that I might get rid of this weight I have been carrying with me. Let Your love guide me, strengthen me and embolden me. Let Your grace comfort me in the road ahead – as I surrender to Your perfect will. Direct me towards the right people with which to share my story, safe people who will hear my confession and love rather than judge. Give me wisdom and discernment. And help me shoulder the weight of my burden of wrongs. I confess today that You are faithful, and if I will confess my sins, You will forgive and make me new again. Give me the strength and wisdom to do just that. In Jesus Name. Amen.

Understanding Step 4: Moral Inventory

Understanding Step 4: Moral Inventory

“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

Step 4, Alcoholics Anonymous

“Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.”

Lamentations 3:40

The spiritual principle behind the 4th Step is COURAGE.

To look at oneself in the mirror of introspection can be challenging, and even painful. It is to peel back the layers of the onion, one at a time, to get to the roots of our ‘stinking thinking’ and behaviour.

While many have overcomplicated this step, it is actually quite simply the process of making a list – looking at our weaknesses and defects of character. This list of weaknesses will become a source of strength in the future.

It gives us a birds eye view of what we need to work on in the future – the facets of our life that need to be surrendered to God. The list itself does not change anything, this step does not change anything – but it gives us a better idea of what our healing process should look like in the future.

It is best to be honest with oneself in doing this step – the more brutally honest you can be with yourself, the better. 

It is also important not to delay the process. Some of us, in attempting this step the first time, struggled because we wanted to justify our behaviour, or – on the flip side –  wanted the list to be as comprehensive as possible. There is no need to strive for perfection here – just progress.

Whether your list is a few lines or a few pages – it doesn’t matter –  just get it out on paper!

Step 4 is all about taking responsibility, owning your weakness – and identifying your negative thoughts, actions and feelings. 

In doing this step we also look at our strengths – our character assets.

What are you doing right? What Spiritual Principles are you applying? And how can I do more of these things in the future?

The end result, if we are honest with ourselves, will be a list that allows us to examine our tendencies towards fear, resentment, pride, guilt, shame, selfpity, secrets, sex and relationships. 

It will give us a better idea of who we are coming into recovery and give us a goal to work towards – as we strive to let go of past hurt and resentments, as we work on practising spiritual principles, and lean in towards becoming a better version of ourselves.

God is faithful to forgive – He teaches us about forgiveness throughout His Word. 

One of the things we need to learn from Him is the concept of forgiveness. We need to learn to forgive ourselves, as He forgives, and also those who might’ve hurt us.

This inventory lays the foundation for the process of recovery going forward.

It might feel like a daunting task, and many of us don’t know where to begin. 

In saying this I have included a few links to resources that might help you get started:

This 4th Step Guide is a questionnaire designed specifically to help with doing your inventory – exploring certain facets of your childhood, adolescence and adulthood – it is a helpful tool for getting through step 4.

Chapter 5 of the Big Book also gives us more information on personal inventory and the importance thereof.

In my own recovery I found the NA Step Working Guide to be a valuable resource – the Step 4 guide starts on page 27.

I would urge you to be kind to yourself in this process – be honest and open minded – and above all, don’t be afraid. 

You can do this!

Prayer: Lord, as I go into Step 4 please help me set aside any judgement and any need to justify my behaviour. Let me be open and honest with myself. Help me go about this task fearlessly as I look at my life and help me see which parts of myself I have yet to give to You. In Jesus Name. Amen.

If you need any help or have any questions, you are welcome to reach out to me: andre@adlabuschagne.co.za / 0653703806 – we want to journey with you!

 

Understanding Step 3: God

Understanding Step 3: God

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”

Step 3, Alcoholics Anonymous

“But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever! Amen.”

2 Peter 2:18, NIV

Step 1 is very much about realizing and admitting that there is a problem. Honesty.

Step 2 is about realizing and coming to believe that there is a solution – a power (the group) and a Power (God) greater than ourselves. Hope.

Step 3 is about surrender – or on a much deeper level, FAITH.

In our secularized society we shy away from talking about God – but the fact is, as I pointed out in a previous post, that although we can start our recovery journey without God, we cannot sustain it without Him.

But here is the problem: while some of us may have a foundation to build on – perhaps from Sunday School or growing up in a Christian home, many of us have no foundation at all.

Our concept of God is that of a foreign and far-removed, almost alien being who is indifferent to our struggles and difficulties here on earth – some of us even choose to believe that there is no God at all.

If at this point of your journey you are still at odds with the idea of God, struggling with the concept of faith in Jesus, I would urge you to focus, for now, on the support structure you have in place. In twelve step fellowships some of our more agnostic brothers and sisters have often used the word ‘God’ to refer to ‘Good Orderly Direction’.

My prayer is that you will see God at work in the group you have joined and that this will ultimately lead you – direct you – to Him. Surely, if the program was rooted in Christian belief, inspired by His Spirit, then the principles at work in the program will be a reflection of His heart for you.

I therefore urge you to devote yourself to this program as the means through which you will get to know Him – as the God of our Salvation, the Mighty One who Saves.

At this point in the journey each person will have their own understanding of who God is – some more than others – but our lack of a concept of God should not become an excuse to avoid working the program.

Faith, according to the Bible, is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things unseen (Hebrews 11:1).

You might not see the full picture of God at the moment – you might be relying heavily on secondhand information and the testimonies of others – relying on Good Orderly Direction on your way to a better understanding of who He is and His will for your life – but that is where faith comes in.

Faith, in this case, means putting just a little bit of trust in God – however you might understand Him at this point. Even if the only thing you understand about God right now is the fact that He has been the solution for someone else – that is a good start. “What You have done for others, Lord, please do for me!”

Step 3 urges us to surrender our will and our lives to God as we understand Him – and this is a daily step we take. Every morning when we wake up we need to make the decision again – the decision to trust that there is a God who has a better plan for my life than I have for myself.

It means letting go of ego and pride – keeping an open mind and giving Him a chance. In giving God a chance we give ourselves a chance for change.

Peter urges us (2 Peter 3:18) to grow in our understanding and knowledge of God – to grow in our relationship with Him and to start experiencing Him firsthand. To surrender your will and life is to pursue God and His will for your life. And as we grow in knowledge and understanding we will also grow in grace.

It is my prayer for you that you will give God a chance, making the decision today to turn your will and life over to Him – give Him your mess so that He might turn it into a message, let Him turn your test into a testimony.

If you have reached this point, much like I did, you will see that you really don’t have that much to lose, but actually have a lot to gain.

And in practice it is actually quite simple. There are many good Christian devotionals available, especially for those of us who are in recovery. I would recommend you find one that works for you and start a daily practice of reading, prayer and meditation. Just 15 minutes a day would be enough for anyone to start.

Your prayers don’t have to be complicated – in fact, the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book has a prayer for every step – and you can find them for free on the internet, along with many other resources for prayer.

Finally, Bible Study is a great way to learn about God and grow in your relationship with Him. Once again, there are many great resources available for free but I would recommend purchasing the Life Recovery Bible by Tyndale or downloading the free YouVersion app if you can’t afford a Bible at the moment (we’ve all been there!).

It is my conviction that God is real, that He has revealed Himself in Jesus and that He loves us! He really loves us! And this is a thought that is often difficult to reconcile with the realities of life in a broken world – but He does. His will for your life is freedom and life in abundance. Give Him a chance. You have nothing to lose.

Prayer: Lord, help me grow in my understanding of You, Your Will and Word. Help me turn my eyes away from my past and towards the future You have in store for me. Let Your Spirit convince me of Your love for me – and let Your love drive me towards a greater destiny than I could ever have in mind for myself. Help me to surrender – to give over – to the love You showed in Jesus. Help me pour out all I am for more of You. In Jesus name. Amen.

If you have chosen to take this leap of faith or have any questions regarding this post, please reach out to me: andre@adlabuschagne.co.za / 0653703806. We would love to journey with you!