“Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”
Step 8, Alcoholics Anonymous
“Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright.”
Proverbs 14:9, NIV
We have all been hurt. This is easy to acknowledge. We have all been offended. We have all been ‘the victim’.
What is not so easy to admit is that we have also done the hurting – we have all, at some point, been on the giving end. This is not just true of alcoholics and addicts – and therefore, even if you have stumbled upon this meditation by accident, please keep reading – you might be set free in the process.
Steps 8 and 9 are often the most intimidating part of the program. Many of us, when realising what it would take, were filled with fear – some of us even felt abject horror at the thought.
But these two steps are vitally important if you want to keep your new found freedom.
Proverbs 14:9 says: “Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright.”
And that is exactly what making amends is about – goodwill.
In our past lives we had made many mistakes – and step 8 is all about taking concrete action towards making it right – taking a concrete step towards cleaning up the ‘wreckage’ of our past by taking accountability.
All it takes is a little bit of pushing through the negative emotions of fear, doubt, bitterness and insecurity – picking up a pencil and making a list.
If this is your first time doing this, just jot down the ones that come to mind – all the times you might have hurt someone – however this might look.
In my active addiction I did a lot of damage. I lied, I stole, I cheated and manipulated – I fought with those closest to me, treated people badly… And it was a burden I had to carry. Many of my best friends and closest family members had lost their trust in me.
I wrote down a simple list – just 5 or 6 names to begin with.
And what I saw on that page was the heaviness I had carried around with me for so long. The same heaviness, in times past, had caused me to relapse and had prevented me from getting clean the first time.
Wouldn’t you prefer to let go of those rocks that have been weighing you down? Those rocks called sin and shame?
And that’s all it takes – a short list and a simple yes.
If you have done this, you have now become willing to make amends – to clean up your side of the street.
We now get to step 9: “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
There are a lot of ideas around this – but I have found that the best way to do this is to do so in person. Saying this, It is important that you do not put yourself in triggering environments during this process, and that you avoid any danger or harm to yourself and others.
It is also important to remember that some of the people you need to make amends to might be hard or even impossible to reach (for example people who have immigrated, that you might have lost contact with, or who might even have passed away).
In a case like this we make what is known as a living amends – we allow the life we live to make the amends for us by sticking to this radically new, sober lifestyle – and being committed to that lifestyle for both yourself and those you might have harmed in the past.
This is probably the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had to go to certain people – the people on my list – and admit that I was wrong.
Some accepted the amends, some waited to see my changed behaviour going forward, and others did not accept it at all. We are not in control of what others do or think, but I found freedom in sweeping away the wreckage on MY side of the road.
And that is what it is all about. Sincerely and honestly apologising – not just in words, but also in how you conduct yourself up to that point and going forward – the proof is in the pudding. It must be added that not everyone will react kindly to your admission of guilt and request for forgiveness, they might be sceptical about the change that you claim to be going through – some people might need some time, and others might never come around – but that’s okay!
It is worth doing our best to salvage what we can of our relationships. It starts with us taking accountability and making amends. In this way families, friendships, even marriages can be restored.
If you would like to attempt making amends and need some guidance I would recommend these resources:
NA Step Working Guide:
https://gssana.org/books/na-step-working-guide.pdf
AA Big Book:
https://aa-netherlands.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/en_step8.pdf
https://aa-netherlands.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/en_step9.pdf
If you have decided to push through and do step 8 and 9, please pray with me:
Lord, make me willing to make amends. Make me willing to start cleaning up the wreckage of my past – to let go of the heaviness that pulls me down into despair. AS I write my list, remind me of people I have hurt, the things that I have done – and show me, guide me, lead me to make up for them and rebuild relationships. Give me courage, Lord, to follow through. Give me the right heart and the right words – and let my actions be the proof in the pudding. Let my actions and behaviour speak louder than my words. In Jesus Name. Amen.